Mobile Phone News:

You see all these adverts on telly, telling people not to use their phones in public, not to get it out their pockets. Well, if you’re going to live like that, what the bloody hell’s the point in even having a mobile phone? They’re a communications tool, but scumbags like the ones I saw on the street this morning are making it scarier for people wanting to use their phones!

The thing is, the annoying fact is, that according to a Prime Ministerial briefing earlier in the year, over 50% of street robberies involved mobile phones. Now the thing is, when a phone gets nicked and reported, it gets blacklisted across every network. Which completely stuffs it for being used at all.

So, what’s the point in even nicking it in the first place?? Quite apart from being immoral, wrong, causing misery to others, and being downright low, it’s completely stupid and pointless!

Not that that would stop a chav from doing it.

Personally, I still think a real-life transforming phone with chainguns on it is the best deterrent. Or a fire-axe… Or, if you’re after a more realistic solution, how about doing what they do with bank notes? A small explosive charge within the phone, to destroy the innards of it, if it gets nicked?

[EDIT: Dammit, I thought I'D come up with that idea, but I've been beaten to it be someone on Youtube. Still a very good idea, though (although I'm not sure he's right about the phone still being usable). See his video presentation below:

And another thing, while we’re on the subject of pointlessness; who the hell started the “happy-slapping” trend? I mean, come on, what moron came up with that bright idea?! You video yourself with your phone, slapping someone, and stick it on Youtube. Ok… why? And more, importantly, why aren’t you in school, chavling?? Learn to read a book once in a while, then you won’t have to follow your dad into the family business of getting a giro every fortnight…

And if you happy-slap me, you’ll find I’ve invented a new craze, that I’d be happy to show you. It’s called happy-knocking-your-teeth-out-with-a-cricket-bat…