Mobile Phone News:

Ok, this is a little unorthodox. I am writing this blog post at 8.15pm on a Friday night, instead of going out on the town. But I simply cannot wait until Monday to do it. I may well burst in sheer excitement if I wait, because tonight, and I’ve literally just finished watching it, I have seen the single greatest cinematic masterpiece ever conceived in the entire history of humanity.

Tonight, folks, I have seen Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus…

And it had, in one scene, someone in the distance using a mobile phone. I know that is probably the most tenuous link I’ve ever used to talk about a film on this blog post, but I don’t care. I don’t care that I don’t have any clue what the phone was, so I’m just saying, “It was a Palm Pre. Prove me wrong.”

So yes. To hell with what phone was in it, I’ve just seen the greatest film ever made. I can comfortably say it is the greatest film ever made because of the fact it is the single most atrocious piece of ridiculousness ever put down on celluloid. I mean truly, it was diabolically awful. It went past bad, past so-bad-it’s-good, past so-bad-it’s-turned-bad-again, and on into some weird alternate universe where no-one can decipher whether what you’re watching is either the highest art, or cinematic terrorism.

It wasn’t just bad, it was majestically, gleefully bad. The sheer ridiculousness of it made me cry with laughter, and cheer the film on. Honestly, this is a film born, BORN, to be heckled. Everything about it is so wonderfully deranged that I am forced to conclude that Asylum Films had to have done it on purpose. There’s just no way anything could have been this wondrously garbage, and laced with genius-level dross, and still be an accident.

The plot, what there is of it, is simple. Mega shark. Giant octopus. Frozen in ice in prehistoric times. Woken up now. Rampage. Debbie Gibson saves the world.

Yes, that Debbie (sorry, Deborah) Gibson…

I guarantee, this film will be the cause of people actually wetting themselves laughing, across the globe. Like the love scene in the broom cupboard (er, don’t ask), where the tender afterglow dialogue heavy-handedly gets on to talking about pheromones, and Debbie “Only In My Dreams” Gibson blurts out that they can use that to attract the titular terrors to trap them where they want them. I guarantee that you will pick up the line of dialogue there, and say, “So, we must now do it underwater!”

Oh, and then they make those pheromones by making them glow green, like they’ve just come from the Incredible Hulk’s sweat glands…

So, in conclusion, that is why I am now sitting here, writing a blog post at 8.15pm on a Friday. You, my dear readers, must know of this film. And you must do whatever it takes to watch it. Never before has a film done so much to unite people. I swear to god, you could put two sworn enemies in the room together, stick this on, and by the end, they’d be ripping the film apart in unison.

Never before has one film done so much to bring about world peace. We could theoretically end war overnight. Just broadcast Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus to every nation round the world, and racism, sexism, all man’s perceived differences would disappear, as everyone, and I mean everyone, turned into the cast of MST3K.

And since I’m so good to you, here’s the famous scene. You know. The one on Youtube. With the plane (be warned, the bloke swears in the clip, so I apologise in advance. If you don’t like swearing, don’t watch it. But it’s too mind-boggingly awesome to not show you it).

Wow. Just wow. Now imagine 85 minutes of that. The film doesn’t require ’suspension of disbelief’, so much as ‘hanging disbelief by the neck till it be dead’. And it revels in that!

So, thank you, Asylum Films (and I’m not being snarky, I genuinely mean this), thank you from the bottom of my heart for making one of the single most entertaining movies I have ever seen. If a giant anvil dropped on me and killed me, right now, I could honestly die happy, because I have witnessed perfection.

Have you witnessed the wonders of Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus firsthand? Leave us a comment and have your say!