In this chaotic time of year, when everyone’s out shopping for the perfect gift, and generally clogging up the roads in their search for a turkey big enough to feed seventeen family members they don’t really like, the world can be a pretty stressful place. I must admit, I have my own stress relief technique (more on that in a second), but if you don’t, Orange have unveiled a new free service, just for you.
Yup, according to their own press release, Orange have, in fact, started their own relaxation line.
Yep, if you’ve got an Orange mobile phone, you can dial 347 (and yes, it’s free), to hear the calming sounds “of a woodland forest, waves lapping on Brighton beach, the hubbub of an English village green, the crackle of a log fire or the hum of birdsong.” Soothing sounds, designed to take your mind off the stress (and if it’s a beach sound, presumably the bleedin’ cold weather, too), are just a couple of numbers away.
Oh, I have to try this, back in a second…
Ah-hahahahahahahahaha! Awesome! Orange were playing Brighton beach at me! Now, I will be the first person to say I think this idea is stupid. And pointless. And a little bit mental. But it’s free (to Orange mobiles, anyway), so who the hell cares (other than people on other networks, obviously)?
I have to admit, though, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore didn’t relax me so much as make me need to pay a visit.
Dammit, back in another second…
Of course, as I was saying earlier, I have my own particular stress relief method, and me being a musician, it’s music-related. It’s one particular band, in fact, since I prefer to go “grawwwwrrrr” in a big, deep, manly voice, rather than going “ooh, oceanic”. The observant among you, who’ve been paying attention to the news over the last few days will know exactly where I’m going with this…
Yes, I’m talking about Rage Against The Machine, with my current method of stress relief being biting the heads off Joe McElderberry fans. Because RATM rock. Because Simon Cowell is Satan incarnate. Because the X Factor song is (like all X Factor songs ever, and everything associated with the X Factor, ever) vile, banal, inane, hideous, godawful, evil rubbish. And unlike that incredibly annoying woman on Five Live (who breached the BBC’s code of conduct, by the way, by telling people to go buy McDingleberry’s single), I am allowed to say what I think, and it’s simply that the X Factor should not exist. And Tom Morello has more talent in his conkers than McDingleberry has in his entire lanky frame.
So, if RATM lose out to a bleedin’ HANNAH MONTANA song, it will be proof there is no meaning to life, whatsoever. And if you disagree with me, then that’s fine, we live in a democracy, but I actually am a musician, so my vote counts twice.
Yes, basically, I deal with stress not by being calm, but by becoming so apoplectic with rage that I pass out for a few hours.
Hey, works for me…
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