Super luxury mobile phones you don’t want – the Vertu Signature S Design

Vertu Signature S - ludicrously expensive mobile phoneLong time readers of our blog will know that I very often like to write about so-called luxury mobile phones. You know the ones, the Nokia 8800 Artes and Motorola AURAs of the world. There’s something about them that makes them easy targets, since I usually can’t see the point of them. But in the world of luxury mobile phones, there’s always been, and probably always will be, only one king: Vertu.

Now, they’ve unleashed a brand new mobile phone on the world, according to Engadget Mobile: the Vertu Signature S Design.

The thing is, despite them being utterly pointless, I’ve always had a bit of a soft-spot for Vertu mobile phones. They do make them out of some really nice materials, and granted, they do look exclusive. But there are two main reasons why I love them, and I may as well warn you, they’re silly ones that make me snigger. Oh, and one of them isn’t true any more, since Vertu updated their site, but I still like it.

First, is the fact that the site for Vertu mobile phones never used to say ‘buy’, or tell you where to ‘buy’. No, it showed you how to ‘procure’ a Vertu, a fact that made me giggle for roughly 9 hours. Suffice to say, we were so very tempted to ring up and attempt to ‘procure’ one, and the only thing that stopped us was it’d be hellish to 14 day return a nine-grand phone…

Second, though, is something Vertu mobile phones have, that’s simultaneously unique, pointless, utterly ridiculous, and absurdly brilliant, all at the same time. I’m talking, of course, about the Vertu Concierge. No wap button or email for them, no sir, Vertu mobile phones have a Concierge button, connecting you directly to what is, essentially, a butler. Your very own personal Jeeves, whom you tell what you want, and he organises the best way to get it. He’s your very own personal fixer, someone to solve all your problems for you.

And now, I can’t get the image of a weird fusion between Stephen Fry and Harvey Keitel when he was in Pulp Fiction out of my head…

But, when you get right down to it, is that feature alone worth the asking price for this mobile phone, which comes in at just over seven grand? Well, no. Obviously not. It’s a mobile phone, no phone is ever worth seven grand, even if it’s handcrafted by Pierre Cartier himself. It’s not the prettiest phone, either, and as for features… forget it, it’s outclassed in every single way, by just about every other mobile phone in existence.

Basically, the Vertu Signature S Design is just a Nokia 2610 in a posh frock, and the 2610’s roughly, ooh, seven thousand pounds cheaper. To ram the point home, here’s what you could get instead of the Vertu Signature S Design:

3 Sony Bravia KDL-52W4500 plasma TVsĀ 
OR 5 Gorenje ‘Eye-Catcher’ limited edition fridges
OR a Toyota Aygo
OR 1/10 of a Porsche 911 Carrera S
OR 10937 Star Bars
OR 1 whole ton of Fruit Salads

And as we all know, as much as I love mobile phones, a ton of sweets is bound to catch my eye more…

Go for the sensible option! Grab yourself a Nokia 2610, today, and have the money to buy enough sweets to last you till judgement day!

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About TechnicalMarkus

It's a little known fact Technical Markus has now beaten both his Transformers addiction AND his Mass Effect addiction, by replacing both with an equally obsessive addiction to XCOM: Enemy Unknown and buying Humble Bundles for his Android phone. At the moment, he's pondering the actual usefulness of smartwatches and smart glasses, even if the nerd in him is shouting for joy at how sci-fi they are. He spends his spare time being whinged at to figure out what's wrong with other people's mobile phones, and drinking unimaginable quantities of tea. With milk. And three sweeteners, thanks for asking. Oh, and he's got an HTC One X, but he reckons his next phone might be a Sony, the turncoat...

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