So, once more, we get our thinking caps on to see what would happen if someone who doesn’t make mobile phones, erm, made mobile phones. Gracing us with its presence today is what must be the prettiest, most beautifully made-up mobile phone ever made. Well, it should be, it’s from a make-up company.

It’s the Max Factor Lipfoneity, the ‘mobile phone of make-up artists’, and with that slogan in mind, the phone that becomes the ultimate beauty accessory.

If we’re looking for the heritage of the Lipfoneity, it can doubtless be found in that particular brand of mobile phones that were explicitly targeted at women and, presumably, very vain men; or, in other words, mobile phones that, with the screen turned off, became a mirror. You know the ones I mean, phones like the LG Shine Pink. The next logical step was a mirror that popped out from the Lipfoneity itself, giving you a much bigger surface to, erm, well put your lippy on, or something.

Ah, but, hang on, a mobile phone with a mirror’s nothing that special, really, is it… so, the Lipfoneity goes so much further! See the antenna up there on top? Well, it’s not, that’s your mascara, that is (“Won’t smudge, won’t rub, won’t send you blind, won’t make you look like an unhappy goth panda.”). And the big bulge on the back that looks like an extended battery? That’s your lipstick.

So, remember ladies, if you need a mobile phone that won’t smudge, rub, is resistant to tears and sweat (why would you need this??), and makes you look gorgeous, then you need the Max Factor Lipfoneity – the mobile phone of make-up artists!

Would you buy a Max Factor phone if they ever made one? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Everyone

Say hello to the rather-obviously-named LOLcatz LOLphone.

Since the dawn of the age of mobile phones (well, ok, further back, since the age of ANY phones, even landlines), there’s always been a niche for ‘novelty phones’. You know the ones, shaped like a hamburger, or a Ferrari, or a packet of fags.

Well, the world is about to be set alight by the newest concept phone that’s set to rock up. Called the LOLphone, it’s the first phone created by the LOLcatz themselves. It has some problems, though, as it displays that distinctly cat-ish personality trait of doing exactly what the hell it wants, whenever it wants, rendering it all but useless as an actual communication tool. And does it care? No, it just turns up when it needs plugging in for a recharge!

But that’s not the point of the LOLphone, anyway. It’s not just a mobile phone, it’s a way to live your life. You take care of it, and it provides you with hours of fun and entertainment. Not only that, but it acts as your personal digital secretary, taking messages for you, then telling you three week later that “Mom ringed. U haz missed yt.”

More important, though, are the lessons it teaches you about right and wrong. If you’re a good kitt- erm, person, and treat your LOLphone right, then you will go to Ceiling Cat. If you’re bad and naughty, Basement Cat will take your soul. As sexy as it is, can you say that about a Samsung U900 Soul? Will it teach you right from wrong, so you can meet Ceiling Cat?

I think not.

Other features include Monorail-Cat ticket-booking facility, and the amazing built-in game, “Wher’s teh bukkit?”

Technical Markus is an avid reader of LOLcatz, and says that if you’re not, you won’t get half the jokes he’s just done, so get ‘em read. Now. Then leave us a comment and have your say!

Yep, it’s time for the Carlsberg Special Brew Mobile Phone, also known as the “Carlsber’ Spessshil Breeurgh” (named after the standard speech patterns of its users).

Designed as to be one of the cheapest, most potent mobile phones in existence, the Spessshil Breeurgh is designed for the connoisseur, for people who knows mobile phones, who know what they want, and are hardy, strong people. However, who it’s actually sold to is winos on park-benches, and the person who sits behind you on the bus every damn morning, whose breath can crinkle paint.

Unknown to most people (those unable to take the exceptional strength of the Spessshil Breeurgh mobile phone, which has a SAR rating of 9.0% ABV), there is even an official method of answering your phone, which is simply:

“Raaarararararrrrreek, numinuminumi, BREEELLO!”

The Carlsber’ Spessshil Breeurgh will be available sim-free for the price of 37p, and is delivered in a brown paper bag. Usage should be easy enough, as the keypad is big enough to be easily used by people drunk enough to see 3 phones.

Rumours that other mobile phones manufacturers will be jumping on the bandwagon cannot be confirmed, but expect to see the Samsung Blue Nun very soon…

Technical Markus tried Special Brew once. When he had got his eyesight back, and had said “Ye gods, that’s strong!!” he promptly never, ever drank again. Leave us a comment and have your say (even if it’s just to say you are a Special Brew survivor)!

The question today is: what would happen if the single biggest name in the world of social networking had their own mobile phone made? What would the Facebook Mobile Phone be like?

Say hello to the Facebook ZH1 Facefone.

Hardware-wise it’s fairly innocuous, with a pretty standard screen, a pretty standard camera, a pretty standard collection of features. But the clever stuff all goes on behind the scenes, because everything the user does to enhance the phone is software-based. So, you can get weather apps, bumper stickers, flirt apps, apps to tell your friends what you had for breakfast, apps to remind me you what you drank last night and why you should never drink it again, and so on and so on and so on and so on…

Interestingly, the Facebook mobile phone also lets you interact with other people’s phones, virtually scrawling on the screen, throwing chicken poo at them, and zombie hugging (where the name ZH1 comes from) each other’s phones.

It also includes a brand new feature, designed to improve the lives of its users, known as the Hotel California power down mode. Essentially, to ensure you never miss out on anything, the Facebook mobile phone will never actually switch off. Nor can you ever actually end the contract on it. But, hey, it’s all for your own good, as is the Facebook mobile phone’s revolutionary advertising software (Beacon 2.0) which broadcasts your mobile number to ‘relevant advertisers’ can send you targeted information, so it will enrich the world (or so its creators say)!

The phone quickly gains notoriety for sending ENDLESS text msgs to your friends who don’t have a Facebook mobile phone, getting many of them to buy one, but then, the bubble seems to burst and sales drop off. Ofcom step in, announcing that, no, they must let people leave if they want, come on, play nice. Thousands of Facebook mobile phones are summarily executed, as users realise real friends are better.

Then Nokia builds it into its Ovi Portal, and everyone lives happily ever after…

[EDIT: Annnnnnnnnd Three had to go and ruin the joke by actually making a real Facebook phone. Still, at least it's a nice phone...]

Should Technical Markus be punished for his ‘Facebook Apathy’? Should he be commended? Would you really like to own a Facebook phone? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Yes, this edition asks the question: what would happen if the biggest name in the world of coffee threw itself headlong into the mobile world?

Say hello to the Starbucks Mobiccino!

The whole concept of the Mobiccino is carried on from Starbucks’ coffee houses. People come first for them, quite rightly so, so they tailor their product range to give people the ultimate range of coffee to choose from.

And so, the range of Starbucks Mobiccino phones is divided into approximately 793 different variants, with various add-ons available, the most popular of which is the “caramel-coloured sauc- erm, case”. Not only that, but each variant comes in 3 different size-classes, known as:

“Tall” – Tall=small? Eh??

“Grande” – Erm, medium?

“Venti” – Really chuffing big!

…which is unsurprising, given Starbuck’s seeming allergy to the words “small”, “medium” and “large”. Quite how this will let it compete against the likes of Nokia is unknown, but Nokia are alleged to be developing a “super duper teeny tiny” size-class to combat the Starbucks brand.

There are also unsubstantiated rumours that introduction of the Starbucks Mobiccino will completely Americanise everyone who comes into contact with it, but these are, as noted, unsubstantiated. Also, if the packaging says “Warning: Contents May Be Hot”, or any other stupid, pointless safety announcement whose only reason for existence is to stop litigious, frankly-stupid people from suing over hurting their lickle finger, I’m leaving…

Enjoyed today’s “What if”? Can you think of any more brands you want to see as mobile phones? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Which got me thinking; what would an Ikea Mobile Phone look and be like?

Clearly this is a question that needs answering, so, as part of our brand new “Stupid Mobile Phone Concepts” category, please say hello to the Ikea Mobile ‘GimÃ¥lobloben’.

“This funky, retro mobile phone is handcrafted from all the latest retro technology by the indigenous tribes of the lower Dengdeng valley, where retro mobile phone technology has shaped their lives for centuries. You can even see the bubbles in the leather, put there in a factory in Älmhult to make you believe there actually is, proof it was handcrafted by these noble people. Only the finest leatherette (presumably got from cow-ettes) is used in the high quality covering of this retro beauty.

Everything comes in a handy flat pack, for you to assemble in the comfort and safety of your own home. So, don’t delay! Fall victim to the Ikea nesting instinct, and get yourself the Ikea Mobile GimÃ¥lobloben today!”

See? It’s a goer, this, I’m telling you, now, it’s got legs. There are some issues to be resolved with it, such as the fact it breaks after 3 days (ALWAYS happens to me with Ikea stuff, that), the fact that it’s patently a mental idea, and the fact that most people, not even me, have no idea whatsoever how to build a phone (if you’re going Swedish, leave it to Sony Ericsson). Combine that with the rubbishy, pictorial Ikea instructions (that look like Mr Benn and are about as much use), and maybe it’s not such a good idea…

And you can guarantee there’ll be a screw left over…

[Technical Markus would like to thank Fight Club, directed by David Fincher, for the Ikea nesting instinct and the bubbles joke.]

Think the Ikea Mobile would be the best thing ever? Are you ready to build your own phone? Leave us a comment and have your say!