Every now and then, I’ll do a little bit of a cautionary tale on the blog, especially if it’s about something I have a real issue with. And today’s story is a prime example, because it’s about a real bugbear of mine; i.e. people who use their phones without a handsfree kit, while they’re driving. It really gets on my nerves, not least because I’ve nearly been wiped out twice by people doing that. However, today’s story is particularly sad, for car lovers, because according to IntoMobile, the Texan driver in question tanked his own car.

That doesn’t seem massively newsworthy, unless the car in question has a 987bhp engine, has a top speed of 253mph, costs £900,000, and is, simply, the world’s most awesome car.

Yep, as you can tell from the pic on this post, he tanked a Bugatti Veyron. Oh dear lord, that takes muppetry to an entirely new level.

Now, I appreciate that it might just be me who thinks this, but surely, if your car is worth, and I think this bears repeating, NINE-HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS, then surely you’d be a teeny bit careful when driving it, and not reach down to pick up your mobile phone that you’d just dropped? Call me old fashioned, but I tend to think that not having the phone to my ear in the first place, which would then lead to me dropping it and having to retrieve it, would be a better option than driving my £900,000 supercar into a lake…

For anyone not immediately au fait with the Bugatti Veyron, it, like the HTC HD2, is the most awesomely brilliant example of its species. Or, as Top Gear memorably put it, this car is our Concorde moment. Seeing one driven into a lake is therefore quite sad.

Now, there are two bits about this story that particularly gall me. One is the fact the driver claimed a low flying pelican had startled him, causing him to drop the phone. The doesn’t change the fact that: 1/ it was daft to have been using it in the first place; and 2/ er, he could’ve pulled over to pick it up. This is made even more annoying due to one other fact: er, doesn’t the Bugatti Veyron have built-in Bluetooth? And if he didn’t get it as an extra, possibly assuming he would never need it, because he’s that good a driver, then it takes the muppetry levels even higher.

Luckily for all of us in the real world, who can’t afford to drive £900,000 supercars, one lucky car full of people had their camera phones at the ready, and grabbed video of it happening (and yes, it was the passenger doing the recording, not the driver), so we can marvel at the spectacle (be warned, there is swearing in this video. If that at all offends you, do not watch it):

Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, UTTER pillock! And no, for the man doing the recording, it’s not a Lambo. But since Lamborghini and Bugatti are both owned by Volkswagen (weeeell, Lambo’s owned by Audi, part of the Volkswagen group), I’ll let you off. But don’t do it again…

So, anyway, yes. Let this be an object lesson in what I have said all along. If you use your phone, without a handsfree kit, while you’re driving (not least because it’s illegal, for a good reason, although apparently not illegal in Texas), you are very silly. I’ll say very silly, there, because it stops me from saying what I really think, which’d get this blog banned from the internet forever…

More news as it happens! And be sure to subscribe now to get all the latest action from the world of mobile phones!

They all get on my nerves so very, very much…

But only one of my bugbears has come close to me, and that’s the “guy who’s using his mobile phone while driving”. Well, today’s rant is about a guy in Australia who, according to the Herald Sun, got nicked (and rightly so) for using TWO separate mobile phones while he was driving, one in each hand, but who said it was ok, because he had one finger on the wheel at all times.

Needless to say, the guy who collared him, Acting Sergeant Rob Atkinson, didn’t see it that way, and essentially nicked him twice, once for dangerous driving and once for using a mobile phone while driving.

And I say GOOD. Because there are a number of things that just boggle the mind, here. First up, is the fact the guy who got nicked was using two phones. Er, what? One of them not dangerous enough for you? Oh, and then there was the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard, when he said he needed to transfer info across from one phone to the other. Oh, but it was all ok, because he kept his little finger on the wheel at all times.

Bing! Two fixed penalty notices, amounting to six points on his licence and a $500 fine!

I mean come on. It says something about how awesome the guy with the two phones thinks he is, if he thinks he can drive perfectly with his little finger. Oh, and that’s not to mention the fact that whatever info he was transferring couldn’t wait till he wasn’t driving. Personally, if I was the officer on scene (and I think you’ll see, from the next sentence, why it’s a good idea for me not to be a copper), I’d have dragged him out of the car, and administered a fixed penalty notice by means of the first blunt instrument I could lay my hands on.

Seriously, if you’re driving, don’t use your phone. It’s bleedin’ stupid. And certainly don’t use two phones, that’s just silly, bordering on ‘wtf’ territory. I know, I know, you’re an important guy, and you can obviously drive with just one finger, your knees, and the power of your indomitable mind (because you’re beyond awesome, obviously), but seriously, pack it in, you’re impressing no-one.

If it’s really that important you make a call while you’re driving (and let’s be honest, if you think you’re that important, you’re really not… take it from me, I think I’m completely awesome, but objective views from regular commenters will tell you I’m really not), then get a Bluetooth headset. Or better yet, a proper car kit. If it really matters that much to you, all us normal people ask is that you do it safely, so you don’t drive your car through our faces…

Do you hate people using the phone when they’re driving? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Author’s note: Right, I’m going to warn everyone reading this, right now, that what follows is going to end up as a rant. I didn’t want it to be a rant, and I didn’t mean for it to turn out that way. But it did. It also turned out to be longer than I expected.

A new video has popped up online, from the EM Radiation Research Trust. And, I have to say, it’s scaremongering of the highest order. It’s the old trick, isn’t it? Get someone completely sincere on video, and have them throw out a whole stream of bad things, that will undoubtedly happen unless you act NOW. It’s how charity broadcasts like Comic Relief (with the added complication that in that special case, the sincere people are absolutely right about the badness that’s happening) and religion (do as we say, or you’ll burn forever) work.

Except in the case of this new video, we’ve all been here before. It’s that standard argument, which amounts to “telephone companies are lying to you, if you use mobile phones (or cordless phones, too, now, apparently), you will DIE, a horrible, painful, agonising death”. Here, have a look for yourselves:

Right, it is on, now… where to start?

Independent studies have proven that mobile phones increase the incidence of brain tumours, have they? What, proven it? Well, no, they haven’t, there are some confusing results, and no study seems to agree with any other, so you’re just quoting statistics here that make no scientific sense, because the results haven’t been repeatable, and are therefore not proven at all. Show me proof they’ve been peer reviewed, and I might accept those statistics.

Oh, and it’s noticeable you didn’t quote any studies that show no such causal relationship between mobile phones and health. That’s selective reporting, and that’s political, not scientific. Now here’s something else to consider: the video not once mentions power outputs. It seems to be so hung up on the fact that deadly microwave radiation is coming off phones, that it doesn’t mention how much power they’re chucking out, because that would be the thing (if anything was indeed causing illness) that would cause problems. After all, it’s not the deadly radiation that causes tumours, it’s the heating effect they have on the brain, right? Mobile phones must chuck out a lot of power, right?

Well, no, they don’t. And here, we need to mention SAR ratings, which can be complicated, but it amounts to how much power is absorbed by the head, and the maximum SAR limit in Europe is 2W/kg. All mobile phones in existence have to be lower than that, by law.

And now, I’m going to quote a study of my own, where rabbits’ eyes where heated, using microwave radiation, to a temperature of 41°C. They picked the eye, since it doesn’t have any method of regulating the temperature. So, the effects were more pronounced, and would be dealt with a lot more easily by skin, as it can increase blood flow to remove the excess heat. Or you can sweat. Mammals have evolved to get quite good at heat regulation, really.

So, what tiny quantities did it take to raise the rabbits’ eye temperatures to 41°C? 100-140W/kg. Up to seventy times as much power as mobile phones can chuck out. Over a period of 2-3 hours. And yet mobile phones make your brain explode?

No. Just no.

Oh, and of course, there’s the ultimate irony of the fact that the video looks like it’s filmed on a camera phone (and not even a good one, like the Samsung i8910 HD).

In the interests of fairness, though, there’s one thing in the whole furore I agree with, and that is the simple fact that we don’t know what effect such heating effects have on developing brains. So, if anybody is going to be susceptible to mobile phone related health issues, it’ll be kids, and that needs more study.

That I agree with.

Scaremongering like this, I do not agree with. Let us not forget the case of dihydrogen monoxide. It is lethal stuff, and in even small quantities, can very easily kill human beings, young or old. It’s a substance that is an agent in every disease-carrying bacterium, it causes soil erosion, it’s a major constituent of acid rain, and in its gaseous form, it can cause incredibly nasty burns.

So, it should be banned, right? Anything that dangerous should clearly not be allowed to be put even near humans.

Maybe if I write it’s chemical name out (H₂O), you’ll get the joke…

Now, I’m in no way comparing mobile phones to water, as being an essential ingredient to life. So, maybe a different example is in order. I remember hearing a tale of how, when steam trains were first getting off the ground, it was thought they couldn’t go faster than 60mph (I think it was 60mph, I’m having a devil of a time trying to find a reference to this story online, so if anyone does know where there is one, please leave a note in the comments), because people would explode.

Curiously, the average train journey is not usually punctuated by percussively popping people.

So, yes, in my mind, I am utterly sure that the research has been done and mobile phones are safe to use (with a bit of a caveat on kids using them excessively, until that research is done, plus I don’t like seeing kids get new technology that I didn’t have growing up, the ungrateful little yuppie larvae). And even if there was a danger (which there isn’t), I say what the hell, do it anyway, just like I say about the Large Hadron Collider. If there was even a slight danger of it consuming the universe in a mega black hole (which won’t happen), like in Half Life, I would still say turn it on, and let’s see what happens, even if it means going out in a blaze of quantum-eradicating glory…

Do you think the video raises a serious point? Or do you think it’s simple, unadulterated scaremongering? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Called the Goldvish Revolution, it seems that it’s one claim to fame is the Swiss-made precision clock housed in the bottom end of the body.

Er, ok…

As for specs and features, well, I wouldn’t expect it to have a great many. The screen is tiny, and the exquisite engineering (which is a given, coming from Swiss craftsmen) just can’t hide the fact it won’t actually do an awful lot. And precisely what is the fascination with putting a mechanical clock in the body of the phone, a weird affliction that seems to have affected so many luxury phones recently? Is the fact the phone has a clock on screen not good enough? I mean, come on, it’s guaranteed to make the phone both heavier and bigger, and, to be brutally honest, pull one of these bad boys out in town, and you’re going to look like an ostentatious git.

You really want a clock with hands, get yourself an HTC Magic, with an analogue clock on screen. Such a better phone. Oh, and you won’t have to pay upwards of £331,000 to own it!

Yep, you read that right.

THREE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND POUNDS!

For a phone…

Good job they’re only going to make 9 of ‘em in the entire world, then, really. My advice? Just buy a proper phone.

Although if Vertu feel inclined to send me a phone to review, to prove me wrong, then I’ll be happy to let them…

The ultimate in capitalist expressionism, or ugly, overpriced tat? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Oh come on, it’s been all over the news for days, there’s no way I couldn’t do a swine flu story. I’m just amazed I lasted as long as I did. However, today, I’ve finally got my chance, courtesy of a story on Tech Crunch.

Yep, some enterprising developer’s released an iPhone app that will let you track the progress of the porcine-death-monster-virus on your handset.

Oh goodie, now the paranoid mass panic can spread onto mobile phone users, too. Now, I’ll be fair to the guy who created the app, he’s only meeting an apparent demand by punters who want news every second, now dammit, I must know when the pig flu will turn into the plague. You know the sort, the ones who go legging it to Tesco at the first sign of somebody with a bit of a sniffle, and grab all the bread off the shelves, so you have nothing to make bacon butties with when you calmly wander down there.

Of course, a sizeable proportion of the panicked masses probably believe you can catch swine flu from bacon butties, but still, all the more for us, eh!

Despite this being a rant, I actually rather dig what the developer’s done with the app, producing a program that will aggregate official reports and keep people informed about the spread of a virus. In this case, everyone’s going mental, and panicking over nothing, but the app does have a lot of potential if something more serious ever broke out. You know, a virus that would kill you really quickly, and which didn’t just make you feel a bit peaky for a few days.

Yes, alright, I mean a zombie apocalypse. You knew I was going to mention it didn’t you. If the walking dead ever do walk the earth, I’d want an app like this on my Sony Ericsson X1, to let me know where the White Zones are, so I can avoid baleful, malevolent and above all, rather peckish revenants (can you tell I’ve just started reading World War Z, the best zombie novel ever)…

So, yes, serious note, I do applaud the developer for making an app that can aggregate proper news stories and official reports about the upcoming (allegedly) pandemic.

Get a really serious disease like the beastie in Outbreak, and this app’d be invaluable, ‘cos that one was nasty. Albeit fictional. But it could happen!

Swine flu ain’t Motaba (seriously, go watch Outbreak, it rocks), though. My problem lies with the masses of ignorant, uninformed people who really believe it’s the end of the world as we know it, and just won’t accept that 80% of the world’s population won’t be dead in the next fortnight. We will not, as a disturbing number of people I’ve spoken to think, see a vast dark cloud of pig-death inexorably heading towards us across the Atlantic. Sure, be cautious, if you want, like washing your hands when you sneeze, but hey, that’s just common sense with any potential for communicable disease. Why do you think hospitals have them little antiseptic dispensers on the walls roughly every 3 feet?

But legging it to Tesco and stealing all the bread is a bit extreme, don’t you think?

Of course, when it escalates up to being zombie flu (I expect in about 28 days time this will happen… work that one out), then I’ll see you in there, myself…

The Swine Flu Tracker is awaiting approval from the Apple App Store, so expect to see it any day now. And if I were a betting man, I’d put money on a version of it appearing on something like the HTC Magic veeeeeeeery soon, too…

Do you think swine flu is going to end civilisation? Or is it just another disease we’ll beat since medicine nowadays is really quite good? Leave us a comment and have your say (just don’t cough in the comments, or I’m sending men in hazmat suits round)!

Hmm, you can probably guess my thoughts on it by the title of this post…

Basically, the film plays, but has a little extra added black bar at the bottom of the screen. And you, dear audience member, have a short code, to which you can text comments, and have them appear on screen, kind of giving your own rudimentary commentary. Meanwhile, the guy up in the projection booth has a PC set up, with filtering software, so he can approve and decline comments on the fly.

Ok, granted, that could get interesting if the projectionist was Tyler Durden (anyone who’s seen Fight Club will get that joke)…

So, we come to the main point. Why? More specifically, why the hell didn’t anyone tell Rien Heald this was a bleedin’ stupid idea, when he showed it to them? Let’s take a look at his concept model, shall we: “MST3K meets Twitter”. Well, no, it’s really, really not, for the simple reason that MST3K is incisive, witty and hilariously funny. The people sending in comments on the film while they’re watching it really won’t be. It’s bad enough when the gobby little morons are sat on the row behind you, ruining the entire film for your row, but give them a phone, and they can ruin the film for absolutely everyone!

It’s not even as if they ever have any good phones, either. Not the HTC Touch HD for these people, no, the height of mobile technology is a 3 year old Nokia 7370, with bleedin’ Jay-Z at 1800 decibels as the ringtone.

I’m assuming, of course, that the comments on screen aren’t going to be in the same league as Shakespeare…

So, I send out a really heartfelt plea to any cinema chain reading this. Please, for the love of Pete, do not put MuVChat in there. It’s bad enough when the gobby little morons are sat behind you in the cinema, but at least you can move seats. But please don’t let them spew their strange little minds onto the screen. And in the cinema, mobile phones must be turned off, or put in flight mode, or in some way made so that I don’t hear Jay-chuffin’-Z blast into my earholes in the quiet bit in Cloverfield…

Otherwise I’m buying a cattleprod, and it will get used…

Do you hate it when people ruin your film-watching? Leave us a comment and have your say!

However, if a new study quoted by The Register is to be believed, the grammar bores of the world may very soon have to shut up, because it’s now been suggested that texting, and using abbreviations like LOL, OMG, and STFU (one for the grammar bores, right there) actually help increase kids’ literacy.

Now, granted, it was only a small study, but the fact is, it found that of the kids studied, the ones who text regularly had a better reading ability, a larger vocabulary and more phonological (I love that word) awareness, than those who didn’t. Of course, it might just be that they’re brighter kids all round, and the thickos stick to shorter words they know, but one never can tell.

Take me personally, for example. I use abbreviations all the time, if I’m texting or on MSN. Just ask my mate Diana, I’ve had to explain some of the stupid shortcuts I’ve come out with in the past. And that’s because, despite being a wordsmith, I’m inherently lazy. And it really, really bugs me when people go on these ‘crusades against txt spk’, filled with some kind of self-righteous vim and vigour.

Just stop it. Please. What exactly is wrong with using lol to show you find something funny? It’s quite considerably easier than typing ‘oh, I am laughing most heartily, huzzah‘, even if you’re using a QWERTY phone like the Palm Pre, or Nokia N97. It saves time, and, ooh, it really annoys grammar bores!

Besides, it’s insulting, not just to me, but to kids using txt spk, to suggest they can’t use any other form of expression. Just because someone types lol, doesn’t mean they can’t type the long-drawn out version, it just means they made a conscious choice not to. And besides, considering how these people say we have to protect the children as they’re our future in one breath, and then in the next, say exams are getting easier and that they’re all illiterate morons, I think we can safely disregard their opinion.

I say we set them a challenge. Get a full touchscreen phone like the Nokia 5800, or even a traditionally keypadded-up phone like the C905, and try typing out ‘oh yes, most humorous, your witticism has made me fall over to the ground laughing until my bottom has fallen off‘.

Ten quid says you’ll be begging to type ROFLMAO…

Do you think grammar bores should just go away? Or do you think the English language is doomed, DOOMED, I tell ya? Leave us a comment and have your say!

News from across the pond, now, courtesy of The Register. We all know how, over here in Blighty, it’s illegal to use mobile phones when you’re driving, unless you’re using a handsfree kit, a law I agree with for a change, since some daft motorist yakking on his phone nearly killed me on a roundabout.

The National Safety Council over in the USA, however, are proposing something much more stringent. You see, their proposals say very clearly they want an all-out ban on mobile phones in cars, even when a handsfree kit’s used. It turns out that it’s not just holding your mobile phone in your hand, and trying to steer with your knees that’s dangerous, but apparently, even talking can kill you. Or, as Janet Froetscher, the NSC’s president and CEO says, “Studies show that driving while talking on a cell phone is extremely dangerous and puts drivers at a four times greater risk of a crash.”

What I find quite interesting, though, is that their sources aren’t always so equivocal about how dangerous the mere thought of mobile phones is. One such study by the Harvard Centre for Risk Analysis, cited by the NSC, states that “the risks appear to be small compared to other daily risks but are uncertain” and then there’s a University of Utah study which concluded “people are as impaired when they drive and talk on a cell phone as they are when they drive intoxicated.”

I can’t help but notice that neither of those mention using a handsfree kit on your mobile phone…

Now, before every cyclist in the country rises up to lynch me to death with big, heavy rocks and bike chains, let me make it perfectly clear: I agree with banning mobile phone use in cars, unless you use a handsfree kit, having nearly been wiped out myself. I agree with the law as it stands. But having used a handsfree kit in the car, my driving was no different than it is when I’m driving and not yakking away, or when I’m driving, and talking to my passenger. I mean, seriously, if they get their way, what’s next? No sneezing while driving, because you close your eyes? No blinking?

Maybe, just maybe, one shouldn’t look exclusively to mobile phones as being the culprit. Maybe there’s an outside chance, and I know this may sound unorthodox, but maybe the person behind the wheel shouldn’t be allowed on the roads, anyway. If someone’s not bright enough to get their shoes on the right feet without a second attempt, then it’s probably fair to say they shouldn’t be in charge of a vehicle. or maybe the driving test’s at fault, since in Finland, they have some of the best drivers in the world, and their driving tests are some of the hardest, and involve mandatory skidpan training.

Now that’d make for good drivers. I should point out that this only being proposed in America, not in Blighty yet, but surely it’s only a matter of time since, well, mobile phones make such a good scapegoat, don’t they?

As for me, I’d rather not live in a world where something like the Nokia 5800 is regarded as being a bigger killer than the black death was…

Do you agree with Technical Markus? Are the new proposals a step to far? Or are they the absolute only way to make our roads safe? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Well, according to UnwiredView, Vertu have outdone themselves with the new Boucheron 150. Oh, and at this point, I should probably warn anyone reading this that there’s no way this blog post isn’t going to be a rant. Seriously. There may be spit on my chin by the time I’ve finished…

Let’s start with the looks: the Vertu Boucheron is reportedly hewn from a single piece of gold, giving it (theoretically speaking) high-class, exclusive looks evocative of the Boucheron jewellery house that it’s made for. Really, the only reaction I can give to that is… well… I dread to think what Boucheron jewellery looks like if it’s anything like this monstrosity. I mean just look at it. I wouldn’t have thought there was anything in history that’s just inconceivably ugly from every single angle, and I certainly never thought I’d see a mobile phone that fits that description. ‘Who hand-carved this beast?‘, and ‘How are they loose in society?‘ are the questions we should ask! If ever there was a mobile phone that looks like it’s not just been hit by the ugly stick, but had its face methodically kicked in by the entire ugly forest, it’s this. Seriously, what is so wrong with a mobile phone that’s got straight edges, and why would people want a phone that looks like it involves a car crusher in the construction process?

You don’t see the Nokia N97 needing this kind of stupid design work! Or many other mobile phones, come to think of it. Let’s just say that in the case of this mobile phone, the phrase ’sculpted from solid gold’ could be interpreted, based on the looks, as ‘got a hippo to repeatedly stamp on a lump of gold’.

And the features? Well, what would be the point… it hasn’t got any. Except that Concierge button shared by all Vertu mobile phones, which to me, is proof positive that when you make billions from selling oil (come on, you know that’s who keeps buying Vertu mobile phones), you lose the ability to find information and plan things for yourself.

So, shall we go for an entirely subjective and opinionated conclusion of this little piece? Ah, why not!

If you want a super-powered, awesome Nokia mobile phone, get the Nokia N97. If you want a decent, genuinely pretty, luxury phone, get the Nokia 8800 Arte.

If you live on Mars, or pay 9 billion quid for a pair of socks, or keep tigers as pets, then you are obviously loaded, and therefore, I am open to receiving Christmas presents of, say, Argos vouchers to the value of £17 million.

Hey, come on, it has to be worth a try; anybody who’s seriously considering buying the Vertu Boucheron clearly has more money than sense, so I may be an appealing purchase for them, too!

If you want to get the best Nokia phone ever, sign up for alerts, and we’ll email you when the Nokia N97 is released! If you actually DO want to buy Technical Markus, you should seek help immediately, and be aware, he will cost you a fortune in Jaffa Cakes and Monster Munch…

And its name? Awethumb.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

I’m torn, now. On the one hand, I have a massive sense of dismay at the pointlessness of Awethumb. On the other, I’m in awe of the fact they 1/ got away with making it in the first place and 2/ can sell it with a straight face. I especially love the fact that they say it’ll make your typing messages on your mobile phone both faster and more accurate. What, putting a honking great lump of rubber on your thumb will make you hit 100 words per minute?

Oh, but of course, it’s being sold for the sake of your health, since apparently people using mobile phones are doomed to a life of tendonitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. Now, let’s be honest here, how many of you guys reading this have actually had tendonitis or CTS brought on by texting? No-one? And believe me, you’d know if you have it… I get tendonitis from drumming, and my god does it hurt!

Oh, and of course, let’s not forget the biggest problem with the Awethumb. With mobile phones, there’s at least a passable chance it looks cool. Say, for example, the Blackberry Storm (which, for the record, these silly thumb protectors will make it damn near impossible to use, so forget about having that phone, or any other mobile phones with touchscreens), with its innovative touchscreen, and looks to die for. People could, theoretically, look at you, and go, “Ooh, cool, he/she has a Blackberry Storm! Rockin’!”

Now contrast that with the vibe you’ll get when using the Awethumb which, in my not-so-humble but ultimately valid opinion, will make you look like, and I say this emphatically, a gimp with rubber on your thumbs…

Don’t believe me? Check out the video of them in action, narrated by a man with a voice that makes you want to punch him…

I say again:

Oh. Dear. Lord.

Meanwhile if you want something that won’t make you look like a tool, grab yourself the gorgeous Blackberry Storm today!