Mobile Phone News:

Ah, another day, another stupidly expensive phone with very little point to it. For every super-powered Nokia N97 that gets launched, there’s a low-powered but oh so delectable (allegedly) Vertu, and here’s another high-flyer to add to the list, this time hailing from Switzerland.

Called the Goldvish Revolution, it seems that it’s one claim to fame is the Swiss-made precision clock housed in the bottom end of the body.

Er, ok…

As for specs and features, well, I wouldn’t expect it to have a great many. The screen is tiny, and the exquisite engineering (which is a given, coming from Swiss craftsmen) just can’t hide the fact it won’t actually do an awful lot. And precisely what is the fascination with putting a mechanical clock in the body of the phone, a weird affliction that seems to have affected so many luxury phones recently? Is the fact the phone has a clock on screen not good enough? I mean, come on, it’s guaranteed to make the phone both heavier and bigger, and, to be brutally honest, pull one of these bad boys out in town, and you’re going to look like an ostentatious git.

You really want a clock with hands, get yourself an HTC Magic, with an analogue clock on screen. Such a better phone. Oh, and you won’t have to pay upwards of £331,000 to own it!

Yep, you read that right.

THREE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE THOUSAND POUNDS!

For a phone…

Good job they’re only going to make 9 of ‘em in the entire world, then, really. My advice? Just buy a proper phone.

Although if Vertu feel inclined to send me a phone to review, to prove me wrong, then I’ll be happy to let them…

The ultimate in capitalist expressionism, or ugly, overpriced tat? Leave us a comment and have your say!

(Note: all views expressed are SOLELY those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of Mobileshop.com)

Oh come on, it’s been all over the news for days, there’s no way I couldn’t do a swine flu story. I’m just amazed I lasted as long as I did. However, today, I’ve finally got my chance, courtesy of a story on Tech Crunch.

Yep, some enterprising developer’s released an iPhone app that will let you track the progress of the porcine-death-monster-virus on your handset.

Oh goodie, now the paranoid mass panic can spread onto mobile phone users, too. Now, I’ll be fair to the guy who created the app, he’s only meeting an apparent demand by punters who want news every second, now dammit, I must know when the pig flu will turn into the plague. You know the sort, the ones who go legging it to Tesco at the first sign of somebody with a bit of a sniffle, and grab all the bread off the shelves, so you have nothing to make bacon butties with when you calmly wander down there.

Of course, a sizeable proportion of the panicked masses probably believe you can catch swine flu from bacon butties, but still, all the more for us, eh!

Despite this being a rant, I actually rather dig what the developer’s done with the app, producing a program that will aggregate official reports and keep people informed about the spread of a virus. In this case, everyone’s going mental, and panicking over nothing, but the app does have a lot of potential if something more serious ever broke out. You know, a virus that would kill you really quickly, and which didn’t just make you feel a bit peaky for a few days.

Yes, alright, I mean a zombie apocalypse. You knew I was going to mention it didn’t you. If the walking dead ever do walk the earth, I’d want an app like this on my Sony Ericsson X1, to let me know where the White Zones are, so I can avoid baleful, malevolent and above all, rather peckish revenants (can you tell I’ve just started reading World War Z, the best zombie novel ever)…

So, yes, serious note, I do applaud the developer for making an app that can aggregate proper news stories and official reports about the upcoming (allegedly) pandemic.

Get a really serious disease like the beastie in Outbreak, and this app’d be invaluable, ‘cos that one was nasty. Albeit fictional. But it could happen!

Swine flu ain’t Motaba (seriously, go watch Outbreak, it rocks), though. My problem lies with the masses of ignorant, uninformed people who really believe it’s the end of the world as we know it, and just won’t accept that 80% of the world’s population won’t be dead in the next fortnight. We will not, as a disturbing number of people I’ve spoken to think, see a vast dark cloud of pig-death inexorably heading towards us across the Atlantic. Sure, be cautious, if you want, like washing your hands when you sneeze, but hey, that’s just common sense with any potential for communicable disease. Why do you think hospitals have them little antiseptic dispensers on the walls roughly every 3 feet?

But legging it to Tesco and stealing all the bread is a bit extreme, don’t you think?

Of course, when it escalates up to being zombie flu (I expect in about 28 days time this will happen… work that one out), then I’ll see you in there, myself…

The Swine Flu Tracker is awaiting approval from the Apple App Store, so expect to see it any day now. And if I were a betting man, I’d put money on a version of it appearing on something like the HTC Magic veeeeeeeery soon, too…

Do you think swine flu is going to end civilisation? Or is it just another disease we’ll beat since medicine nowadays is really quite good? Leave us a comment and have your say (just don’t cough in the comments, or I’m sending men in hazmat suits round)!

A new service (and I use ’service’ in the loosest sense of the word) has been created to enhance (and I use ‘enhance’ in the loosest sense of the word) films at your local fleapit, according to Textually. Called MuVChat, its creator Rien Heald calls it a ‘mashup between Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Twitter’.

Hmm, you can probably guess my thoughts on it by the title of this post…

Basically, the film plays, but has a little extra added black bar at the bottom of the screen. And you, dear audience member, have a short code, to which you can text comments, and have them appear on screen, kind of giving your own rudimentary commentary. Meanwhile, the guy up in the projection booth has a PC set up, with filtering software, so he can approve and decline comments on the fly.

Ok, granted, that could get interesting if the projectionist was Tyler Durden (anyone who’s seen Fight Club will get that joke)…

So, we come to the main point. Why? More specifically, why the hell didn’t anyone tell Rien Heald this was a bleedin’ stupid idea, when he showed it to them? Let’s take a look at his concept model, shall we: “MST3K meets Twitter”. Well, no, it’s really, really not, for the simple reason that MST3K is incisive, witty and hilariously funny. The people sending in comments on the film while they’re watching it really won’t be. It’s bad enough when the gobby little morons are sat on the row behind you, ruining the entire film for your row, but give them a phone, and they can ruin the film for absolutely everyone!

It’s not even as if they ever have any good phones, either. Not the HTC Touch HD for these people, no, the height of mobile technology is a 3 year old Nokia 7370, with bleedin’ Jay-Z at 1800 decibels as the ringtone.

I’m assuming, of course, that the comments on screen aren’t going to be in the same league as Shakespeare…

So, I send out a really heartfelt plea to any cinema chain reading this. Please, for the love of Pete, do not put MuVChat in there. It’s bad enough when the gobby little morons are sat behind you in the cinema, but at least you can move seats. But please don’t let them spew their strange little minds onto the screen. And in the cinema, mobile phones must be turned off, or put in flight mode, or in some way made so that I don’t hear Jay-chuffin’-Z blast into my earholes in the quiet bit in Cloverfield…

Otherwise I’m buying a cattleprod, and it will get used…

Do you hate it when people ruin your film-watching? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Ah, the age old conflict over the English language, with so many grammar bores stating categorically that texting and the like are causing declining standards in literacy and the English language is dying. Of course, the fact that the English language is an ever-evolving beast doesn’t factor into their heads, but hey. These are the same people who say that swearing shows you have a smaller vocabulary and lower intelligence, usually just before I launch into a tirade of abuse that shows them precisely how big my vocabulary is, and how many ways I have of expressing my dislike for them…

However, if a new study quoted by The Register is to be believed, the grammar bores of the world may very soon have to shut up, because it’s now been suggested that texting, and using abbreviations like LOL, OMG, and STFU (one for the grammar bores, right there) actually help increase kids’ literacy.

Now, granted, it was only a small study, but the fact is, it found that of the kids studied, the ones who text regularly had a better reading ability, a larger vocabulary and more phonological (I love that word) awareness, than those who didn’t. Of course, it might just be that they’re brighter kids all round, and the thickos stick to shorter words they know, but one never can tell.

Take me personally, for example. I use abbreviations all the time, if I’m texting or on MSN. Just ask my mate Diana, I’ve had to explain some of the stupid shortcuts I’ve come out with in the past. And that’s because, despite being a wordsmith, I’m inherently lazy. And it really, really bugs me when people go on these ‘crusades against txt spk’, filled with some kind of self-righteous vim and vigour.

Just stop it. Please. What exactly is wrong with using lol to show you find something funny? It’s quite considerably easier than typing ‘oh, I am laughing most heartily, huzzah‘, even if you’re using a QWERTY phone like the Palm Pre, or Nokia N97. It saves time, and, ooh, it really annoys grammar bores!

Besides, it’s insulting, not just to me, but to kids using txt spk, to suggest they can’t use any other form of expression. Just because someone types lol, doesn’t mean they can’t type the long-drawn out version, it just means they made a conscious choice not to. And besides, considering how these people say we have to protect the children as they’re our future in one breath, and then in the next, say exams are getting easier and that they’re all illiterate morons, I think we can safely disregard their opinion.

I say we set them a challenge. Get a full touchscreen phone like the Nokia 5800, or even a traditionally keypadded-up phone like the C905, and try typing out ‘oh yes, most humorous, your witticism has made me fall over to the ground laughing until my bottom has fallen off‘.

Ten quid says you’ll be begging to type ROFLMAO…

Do you think grammar bores should just go away? Or do you think the English language is doomed, DOOMED, I tell ya? Leave us a comment and have your say!

(Note: all views expressed are SOLELY those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of Mobileshop.com)

News from across the pond, now, courtesy of The Register. We all know how, over here in Blighty, it’s illegal to use mobile phones when you’re driving, unless you’re using a handsfree kit, a law I agree with for a change, since some daft motorist yakking on his phone nearly killed me on a roundabout.

The National Safety Council over in the USA, however, are proposing something much more stringent. You see, their proposals say very clearly they want an all-out ban on mobile phones in cars, even when a handsfree kit’s used. It turns out that it’s not just holding your mobile phone in your hand, and trying to steer with your knees that’s dangerous, but apparently, even talking can kill you. Or, as Janet Froetscher, the NSC’s president and CEO says, “Studies show that driving while talking on a cell phone is extremely dangerous and puts drivers at a four times greater risk of a crash.”

What I find quite interesting, though, is that their sources aren’t always so equivocal about how dangerous the mere thought of mobile phones is. One such study by the Harvard Centre for Risk Analysis, cited by the NSC, states that “the risks appear to be small compared to other daily risks but are uncertain” and then there’s a University of Utah study which concluded “people are as impaired when they drive and talk on a cell phone as they are when they drive intoxicated.”

I can’t help but notice that neither of those mention using a handsfree kit on your mobile phone…

Now, before every cyclist in the country rises up to lynch me to death with big, heavy rocks and bike chains, let me make it perfectly clear: I agree with banning mobile phone use in cars, unless you use a handsfree kit, having nearly been wiped out myself. I agree with the law as it stands. But having used a handsfree kit in the car, my driving was no different than it is when I’m driving and not yakking away, or when I’m driving, and talking to my passenger. I mean, seriously, if they get their way, what’s next? No sneezing while driving, because you close your eyes? No blinking?

Maybe, just maybe, one shouldn’t look exclusively to mobile phones as being the culprit. Maybe there’s an outside chance, and I know this may sound unorthodox, but maybe the person behind the wheel shouldn’t be allowed on the roads, anyway. If someone’s not bright enough to get their shoes on the right feet without a second attempt, then it’s probably fair to say they shouldn’t be in charge of a vehicle. or maybe the driving test’s at fault, since in Finland, they have some of the best drivers in the world, and their driving tests are some of the hardest, and involve mandatory skidpan training.

Now that’d make for good drivers. I should point out that this only being proposed in America, not in Blighty yet, but surely it’s only a matter of time since, well, mobile phones make such a good scapegoat, don’t they?

As for me, I’d rather not live in a world where something like the Nokia 5800 is regarded as being a bigger killer than the black death was…

Do you agree with Technical Markus? Are the new proposals a step to far? Or are they the absolute only way to make our roads safe? Leave us a comment and have your say!

It’s always fun to do a blog post about luxury mobile phones. You know, the Vertues and Mobiadoes of this world. Basically, it’s fun to see how the other half lives, so we can point and laugh about how overpriced and not-that-nice their mobile phones are.

Well, according to UnwiredView, Vertu have outdone themselves with the new Boucheron 150. Oh, and at this point, I should probably warn anyone reading this that there’s no way this blog post isn’t going to be a rant. Seriously. There may be spit on my chin by the time I’ve finished…

Let’s start with the looks: the Vertu Boucheron is reportedly hewn from a single piece of gold, giving it (theoretically speaking) high-class, exclusive looks evocative of the Boucheron jewellery house that it’s made for. Really, the only reaction I can give to that is… well… I dread to think what Boucheron jewellery looks like if it’s anything like this monstrosity. I mean just look at it. I wouldn’t have thought there was anything in history that’s just inconceivably ugly from every single angle, and I certainly never thought I’d see a mobile phone that fits that description. ‘Who hand-carved this beast?‘, and ‘How are they loose in society?‘ are the questions we should ask! If ever there was a mobile phone that looks like it’s not just been hit by the ugly stick, but had its face methodically kicked in by the entire ugly forest, it’s this. Seriously, what is so wrong with a mobile phone that’s got straight edges, and why would people want a phone that looks like it involves a car crusher in the construction process?

You don’t see the Nokia N97 needing this kind of stupid design work! Or many other mobile phones, come to think of it. Let’s just say that in the case of this mobile phone, the phrase ’sculpted from solid gold’ could be interpreted, based on the looks, as ‘got a hippo to repeatedly stamp on a lump of gold’.

And the features? Well, what would be the point… it hasn’t got any. Except that Concierge button shared by all Vertu mobile phones, which to me, is proof positive that when you make billions from selling oil (come on, you know that’s who keeps buying Vertu mobile phones), you lose the ability to find information and plan things for yourself.

So, shall we go for an entirely subjective and opinionated conclusion of this little piece? Ah, why not!

If you want a super-powered, awesome Nokia mobile phone, get the Nokia N97. If you want a decent, genuinely pretty, luxury phone, get the Nokia 8800 Arte.

If you live on Mars, or pay 9 billion quid for a pair of socks, or keep tigers as pets, then you are obviously loaded, and therefore, I am open to receiving Christmas presents of, say, Argos vouchers to the value of £17 million.

Hey, come on, it has to be worth a try; anybody who’s seriously considering buying the Vertu Boucheron clearly has more money than sense, so I may be an appealing purchase for them, too!

If you want to get the best Nokia phone ever, sign up for alerts, and we’ll email you when the Nokia N97 is released! If you actually DO want to buy Technical Markus, you should seek help immediately, and be aware, he will cost you a fortune in Jaffa Cakes and Monster Munch…

I haven’t done any ’silly concept’ posts for a while, but we have an entire section on this blog dedicated to silly concept mobile phones. Basically, I pick a famous brand name, and vamp about what their concept mobile phone might be like. However, I have to admit defeat and say that I probably can’t come up with a sillier concept than this, fresh from the pages of Engadget Mobile (who, it would seem, have written their entire post with tongue welded into cheek). It’s a set of thumb protectors, that you wear when texting, or using your Blackberry.

And its name? Awethumb.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

I’m torn, now. On the one hand, I have a massive sense of dismay at the pointlessness of Awethumb. On the other, I’m in awe of the fact they 1/ got away with making it in the first place and 2/ can sell it with a straight face. I especially love the fact that they say it’ll make your typing messages on your mobile phone both faster and more accurate. What, putting a honking great lump of rubber on your thumb will make you hit 100 words per minute?

Oh, but of course, it’s being sold for the sake of your health, since apparently people using mobile phones are doomed to a life of tendonitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. Now, let’s be honest here, how many of you guys reading this have actually had tendonitis or CTS brought on by texting? No-one? And believe me, you’d know if you have it… I get tendonitis from drumming, and my god does it hurt!

Oh, and of course, let’s not forget the biggest problem with the Awethumb. With mobile phones, there’s at least a passable chance it looks cool. Say, for example, the Blackberry Storm (which, for the record, these silly thumb protectors will make it damn near impossible to use, so forget about having that phone, or any other mobile phones with touchscreens), with its innovative touchscreen, and looks to die for. People could, theoretically, look at you, and go, “Ooh, cool, he/she has a Blackberry Storm! Rockin’!”

Now contrast that with the vibe you’ll get when using the Awethumb which, in my not-so-humble but ultimately valid opinion, will make you look like, and I say this emphatically, a gimp with rubber on your thumbs…

Don’t believe me? Check out the video of them in action, narrated by a man with a voice that makes you want to punch him…

I say again:

Oh. Dear. Lord.

Meanwhile if you want something that won’t make you look like a tool, grab yourself the gorgeous Blackberry Storm today!

(Note: all views expressed are SOLELY those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of Mobileshop.com)

The world is full of urban myths around mobile phones. I even did this blog post about it, trying to debunk some of them. There’s one urban myth, however, that seems to keep cropping up again and again and again. It also happens to be the one that gets on my wick more than any other: the oft-debunked idea that you can cook an egg using mobile phones.

Well, it’s popped up yet again, this time courtesy of The Statesman. Allegedly, scientists in India have managed to cook an egg using 4 mobile phones, a process that took around 80 minutes.

Cue me rolling my eyes, and my left eye starting to twitch…

According to the researchers, the radiation from mobile phones comes in two flavours: thermal effect and non-thermal effect. All fine and dandy except that, well, non-thermal effects of microwave energy haven’t even been proved to exist, yet, and if they do, they are theorised to cause reactions inside solids that turn stuff into plasma. Like, the same stuff the sun is made of.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen anyone’s head glow then explode from using a Nokia N96. And anyway, the human body’s mostly water, and non-thermal effects in liquids are almost definitely non-existent.

So, we’re back to that old favourite, thermal effects, with microwaves from mobile phones boiling your brains, which is where the egg story comes in, and where I lose all semblance of professionalism and get really narked off, because, bear in mind, the idea of mobile phones being able to cook eggs has been debunked over and over. It was even on Brainiac, where they couldn’t even get the egg to warm, when they used a HUNDRED mobile phones.

So, a hundred mobile phones couldn’t cook one, but four could?

Something doesn’t quite add up here…

Need I remind the researchers involved the countless number of people who’ve tried to replicate the “egg-cooking mobile phones” trick, all without success? Need I remind them that the only thing that’s claimed to have successfully cooked an egg using mobile phones is Russian tabloid Pravda, which is best described as the Sunday Sport but with added lunacy?

Pointless scaremongering like this really gets under my skin. I’m all for testing mobile phones, and proving them safe, just so the doomsayers will pack it in. But dubiously repeating previous claims of cooking an egg using mobile phones? That’s not science, that’s scaremongering of the highest order. To be a truly definitive test, the results need to be repeatable, and not one other person in the entire world has conclusively, in a rigorously documented way, cooked an egg with a phone.

The only way a Nokia N96, for example, will cause an egg to be cooked is you watch a cookery program on BBC iPlayer (where people are doing eggy recipes) via the phone, get a recipe, then go and cook an egg.

So, if you want to get recipes for egg-based dishes on your mobile phone, grab yourself the Nokia N96, with BBC iPlayer, today!

Oh dear.

I think I’m going to get whined at forever. I may have accidentally mentioned to an extremely impressionable woman, who should know better, that there’s supposed to be a Hello Kitty mobile phone coming to the UK at some point (mind you, there has been since May, when the licensing deal was signed, according to Mobile News).

I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I? All the extensive (well, extensive-ish) knowledge of mobile phones, and I’m destined to get badgered about one with a cartoon cat on it…

Perhaps some back story is needed here.

In May, this year, a deal was struck by CRS (the company responsible for supplying and managing over a million mobile phones per year, through shops like WHSmith,
Woolworths, Littlewoods and Sainsbury’s), giving them the exclusive rights to distribute Hello Kitty-branded mobile phones, mp3 players and other gadgets in the UK.

Now, quite apart from the fact Hello Kitty, as a brand, is aimed at 5-15 year olds, and I don’t reckon kids should use mobile phones (although CRS are at pains to clarify they’ll be aiming the phones at 20-30 year olds), there is one other fact that’s driven me mad about the whole episode.

I really, really can’t stand Hello Kitty…

This is why I’m feeling a little, tiny bit disheartened. Every day, from now until the end of eternity (or at least until they release it), she is going to ask me about the Hello Kitty mobile phone. Never mind that she knows full well that, say, the Samsung U900 Soul, for example, will be a far better phone, and never mind that she said she wanted a U900, not 3 days ago.

She is a slave to the cartoon cat, a woman of 32 turned into a 7 year-old girl by the colour pink and kitten ears.

So, I implore you, CRS, I am begging… please get the Hello Kitty mobile phone released as quickly as possible. Because she will not stop talking about it, and merely cancelling it won’t do the trick.

Please release it. And save me from the horror of being asked about the Hello Kitty mobile phone every, single day of my life…

You fancy a proper mobile phone? Grab yourself the Samsung U900 Soul, one of the best looking mobile phones ever made!

Disclaimer: The views in this blog post are the views of Technical Markus only, and do not necessarily reflect MobileShop.com’s views.

You may have heard about this, but in the last few days, there’s been a ruling from the Advertising Standards Authority forbidding top tier mobile phone manufacturer LG from showing the advert for the LG Venus in the UK. And why was it banned? Because the woman in the advert, at one point, appears to be using a mobile phone in her car.

Now, I was going to do a fair, even-handed and neutral commentary about the whole issue, weighing up the factors in the case of both LG and the ‘public’ viewpoint. But then, I remembered how many people the Guardian said had complained about the advert, and realised that the word ‘public’ isn’t quite right…

Would you like to know how many people complained?

33.

Yep, 33 people out of 60-odd million people in the UK complained about the LG advert. That’s a staggering 0.00000055% of the population. Or, as I like to put it, 0.00000055% of the population have trouble differentiating fantasy from reality…

In their words, they say that LG are encouraging ‘dangerous behaviour’ by condoning people using their mobile phones in the car. Despite the fact she is not actually clearly shown holding a phone in the car (or if she is, it’s for approximately half a nano-milli-pico-second), they complained that the fact it had a shot of her holding a mobile phone (with a completely different backdrop, mind you, that looks NOTHING like the street set the car was parked on) in between shots of her in the car, means that people will follow suit and use their mobile phones in the car, presumably triggering some sort of car/phone-based Apocalypse.

Don’t believe me about how long she was holding the phone for? Check out the video itself (sorry about it being in Dutch, but, you know, the English one’s banned………………)

See? Fraction of a second, if that!

I can’t help but wonder how these people think we survive every day, when the evil TV is beaming such mind-altering images into our brains. I’m just surprised no-one complained about the scantily-clad woman cavorting about in the ad. I can remember a time when it was semi-nakedity on telly that would corrupt us, and make us all into ravening monsters (anyone old enough to remember Mary Whitehouse’s diatribes against TV will know what I mean). Seems it’s not ‘filth’ any more, but health and safety that the do-gooders think we can’t understand and deal with ourselves.

Now, the fact is, I don’t think people should use their mobile phones while they’re in the car. That’s one law I can agree with. But by the same token, how dare these small-minded people think that the other people, like me, can’t think for themselves?! Do they really think if we see an advert for mobile phones, with a car in it, that we’ll go and mow down an entire school playground?

Perhaps they also think that watching an advert for Fanta will make people start spitting in the street? But, oh wait, they banned that one, too, so you can’t watch it any more.

In conclusion then, I am deeply offended by the complainants’ obvious disregard for my, your, and indeed the vast majority of the population’s critical abilities. And let’s not forget… IT’S AN ADVERT THAT LASTS ALL OF 20 SECONDS. THIS IS NOT ‘CITIZEN KANE’ WE’RE TALKING HERE!

So, my message to the complainers: lighten up, let your hair down and for heaven’s sake have some fun, because life’s too short! Or, as the philosopher puts it: do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight…

Do you think the advert should’ve been banned? Or do you think it’s all a storm in a teacup, and people need to lighten up? Either way, leave us a comment and have your say!