According to the Telegraph, the new phone he’s punting has a rather odd name. It’s called the Vergatorio. And for anybody who speaks the lingo, and understands what that word means, I apologise.

For everyone else, it means… er… um… how best to put this? It’s a body part that if you were christened Helen or Gemma or Susan, for example, you won’t have…

I’m sorry, I need to stop writing this blog post, until I’ve stopped sniggering. Back in a tick.

*guffaw, guffaw, guffaw*

Ah, that’s better. Now, to be fair, the idea behind the Vergatorio seems to be a chuffin’ good one. It’s designed to be a reasonably high-end phone, but at a lower price point, bringing features like MP3 player and internet to the masses’ phones. To quote Mr Chavez, the phone is “light, beautiful, good and cheap. It is science and technology at the service of the people not the elites… the day will arrive when we manufacture phones for Cuba and Latin America. This telephone will be the biggest seller not only in Venezuela but the world. Whoever doesn’t have a Vergatorio is nothing.”

I’m really hoping there’s a caveat to that last sentence, saying “unless you’re by way of being a woman”, otherwise he’s just annoyed roughly 50% of the entire world’s population…

Anyway, back to the phone. Sure, it’s no HTC Magic, but for what it is, it sounds pretty cool. It’s just that name. Snigger. Well, let me be the first one to do the obvious joke…

Is that a Vergatorio in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Normal service will be resumed when I’ve stopped laughing…

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Ooo-oo-ooh, isn’t that weird! To quote user yettascom, who posted the video, “My Pearl is about 2 years old.. and a refurb. It’s always done weird things when too close to speakers – makes them sputter out all kinds of noise due to its radio antenna signals. Last night I discovered a new.. “trick” this thing has. I put it next to a rechargeable LED lantern/light and suddenly it started blinking WILDLY. When I moved the BB away, it stopped. The light is controlled by a physical button, and to my knowledge does not have any radio controls..”

Some kind of weird poltergeist activity? Alien frequencies beamed down through our TV sets (sorry, can you tell I’ve been playing Path of the Furon on my new XBox ALL WEEKEND)? Evidence that his Blackberry Pearl’s not been refurbished very well?

I wonder if I can get my Sony Ericsson X1 to do that…

What do you reckon: poltergeists, aliens, or a rubbish refurbishment job? Leave us a comment and pick your favourite explanation!

What that’s you say? The former CEO of Microsoft saying that his family can’t have things made by Steve “I’m Bill Gates’s arch-nemesis” Jobs? Surely not!

You have to admire the way people are saying that his kids should have some say in whether they get an iPod or not, without first researching the subject and finding out that his kids are, in fact, aged approximately 13, 10 and 5, and therefore, will get what they’re given, and lump it. They should think themselves lucky they don’t get a lump of coal and half an orange each at Christmas! And as for his wife, Melinda, she is quoted as saying, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Ooh, I wouldn’t mind having that iPhone.”

Yikes, in the house of the former CEO of Microsoft, that be banishment talk, surely?

But hey, the iPhone is and always was a triumph of style over substance, and quite frankly, there are a lot of phones that’ll outclass it (and if we’re talking just Windows Mobile, have the Toshiba TG01 as an example, for starters…). Of course, there’s always the possibility some might argue that Windows Mobile is a triumph of substance over any kind of style whatsoever, and in a way, they’re right.

That’s fixable by adding on a new interface, just like the did with the HTC Touch HD (and I know I’ll get flamed to a crisp about this, but can people please stop saying Windows Mobile is still rubbish, even with TouchFLO on? Actually use one, then try to convince me it’s rubbish…)

Can you fix the iPhone’s shortcomings by adding a new camera on, on top?

Anyway, I’m straying away from the central point of my ramblings here, which is this: er, it’s his house, and the kids are all under 13. No they can’t have a say in what gifts they get bought. That’s the parents’ job.

Besides, with a dad who’s worth in the region of $58 billion, and who could probably ring up HTC and say, “Make me a brand new version of the Diamond, NOW,” and who is making a multitouch, touchscreen table, I don’t think they’re exactly gonna come off badly out of the deal…

Do you think Ol’ Bill was right to veto Apple gear in his house? Leave us a comment and have your say!

Stop thinking that, you mucky people…

Imagine her surprise when she pulled her hand out, and found a Nokia phone in the bag! Now imagine my surprise when, instead of proclaiming “Ooh, look a free phone, and it’s all mine“, she went and complained to Aldi and the FDA (Food and Drug Administration, for us in Blighty)!

I can’t help but think that if I found a phone in a bag of crisps (although, given that this was America and therefore a bit behind us in phone terms, I doubt you’d get anything as good as, say, a Nokia N97), my first thought wouldn’t be to look a gift horse in the mouth. My first thought would probably be, “Right, where can I get a charger for it?” I mean, come on, it’s just the same as a really big, potato-y Kinder Egg, when you think about it…

Still, different cultures and all that. Since it’s the US of A, it’s only a miracle she hasn’t sued someone about it, yet…

So, my heartfelt advice to Mrs Schweiger is this: the greasy potato residue will clean up off it a treat, and since you appear to have yourself a Nokia 6810, there, the QWERTY keyboard on it’s brilliant for texting on. However, next time, ask the crisp company if they can include something better, like a Nokia 5800, since it’s recently gone on sale in America.

Oh, and enjoy your new phone!

Would you complain if you found a phone in your bag of crisps? Or would you keep schtum, stick your sim card in, and revel in the fact you got a new phone for nothing? Leave us a comment and have your say!

You know, the operating system that used to run PCs fifteen years ago.

That, of course, begs the question of why you’d want to stick a 15 year old version of Windows on an N95, but hey. I have to concede it’s kinda cool, in a not-cool-at-all kinda way. I mean, sure, it’s not going to help you pick up da ladies in your bar of choice, although I would imagine saying ‘would you like to see an antique OS running on a new mobile platform?’ is broadly similar to ‘would you like to see my etchings?’ in the pantheon of chat-up lines.

As a little experiment, though, and a quick way of getting that ‘hehe, look what I can do’ feeling, it’s a winner. Plus, there’s something kind of satisfying in seeing an old version of Windows running on an old version of the N95. It wouldn’t have felt as right if it’d been a Nokia N97, mark my words. So, what’s next?

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m just picturing something along the lines of the Toshiba TG01 (fast processor and big screen, y’see), running Windows XP…

Ooh, just imagine how powerful that’d be. Of course, it’d probably eat your battery in the space of about 15 minutes, and get hot enough to burn your hand off, and not forgetting that if you actually tried to run any apps on it, it’d probably explode, but hey, could be a giggle.

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However, this test needed to be about more than me slagging off people’s ringtones based on my personal opinions. It needed to be scientific, taking in variables such as what mobile phones people are using, the cadence of the song, the hidden meanings…

However, I then decided that was too taxing, and decided to judge it by slagging off other people’s ringtones. This was based on two important principles: 1/ I actually am a musician, so I know about these things; and 2/ I’m writing this blog, so I win.

There are, however, two important criteria:

First, standard manufacturer or network ringtones don’t count, which is why you don’t see people like Dan on this list. Only people who’ve gone to the trouble of putting a song as their ringtone are fair game for me ripping them to shreds about it, since using standard ringtones on your mobile phone is just lazy…

Secondly, anyone who has the Crazy Frog as their ringtone will be subject to summary execution…

So, let’s take a look at the run-down of the top tunes appearing on our mobile phones!

The Poet And The Pendulum – Nightwish
Native New Yorker – Odyssey
Bring Me To Life – Evanescence
Big Girls – Mika
Now You’re Gone – Bass Hunter
The Race Around The World – Castle Crashers Soundtrack
Theme to Spongebob Squarepants – Erm, some bloke

Well, with those contestants, it’s time to analyse them, and work out which is… you know what, there’s no point is there, Spongebob Squarepants is gonna win. I mean come on, I may hate Mika, but it can’t compare to some porous yellow freak who lives in a pineapple under the sea. And so, with the theme to Spongebob Squarepants, the winner of the “whose mobile phone has the worst ringtone” challenge… has unsurprisingly elected to remain anonymous, since she’s 41 and has Spongebob on her phone. I shall call her, simply, Nemesis.

However, I reckon I may be able to top that sea-sponge-based lunacy. I reckon I’ve found the absolute perfect stupid, annoying ringtone. And rest assured if and when I get my Sony Ericsson X1, it shall be set up to play Bohemian Polka by the incomparable Weird Al Yankovic (set here to the original video):

Oh, and incidentally, if anyone guesses which one of the songs above is my actual current ringtone, then leave us a comment. The first correct guess gets a virtual Jaffa Cake.

Grab the exquisite Sony Ericsson X1 today! Stupid ringtones not mandatory!

Yes, these are the stories I keep my eye out for, secretly hoping one of them features mobile phones, so I can blog about it…

Well, now we have one that does have mobile phones in it, thanks to The Boston Channel, and it’s a doozy. Picture the scene: a woman loses her mobile phone, and decides she needs to find it. Fair enough. But it’s dark, and she needs to see, so what does she do?

Find a torch? Or, even simpler, switch the light on at the wall? No. Use a ciggy lighter to light the room up, and set fire to the bed, setting fire to not one, but two buildings in the ensuing blaze. Wow. Given that she set her bed alight, one must assume she was in her bedroom, which begs the question of why she didn’t have a big light in there.

Maybe she lived in a cupboard, or near the bins?

So, next choice, torch; traditionally reckoned to be safer than naked flames on bedding, when searching for mobile phones. Or, final option, if no big light or torch present themselves, wait till the sun comes up, then look. I mean, come on, I know I like the Sony Ericsson C905, but I’d probably stop short of burning my face off to find it. So, lost mobile phone, two buildings burnt down. No-one was hurt, obviously, or I wouldn’t be laughing at it, but you have to laugh at the daftness some people display.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, there was no word on whether the mobile phone survived, thus rendering the woman’s efforts to find it ultimately futile!

Ha!

You wouldn’t run into a burning building to save it, but it’s still an awesome mobile phone. Grab yourself the Sony Ericsson C905 today!

Hmmm

Japanese content supplier Dwango have made a ringtone that’s set to aim for the world record as the world’s longest ever ringtone, according to Tech Radar. Clocking in at 61 minutes 40 seconds, it seems likely it’s going to grab that title.

Which begs a question right away: other than getting in the record books, what exactly is the point of it?

Think about it, if you’ve got voicemail set up on your mobile phone, it sends the call through to that after about, ooh, 10-20 seconds, usually. And even if you don’t have voicemail turned on your mobile phone (some people do turn it off), what is the likelihood of someone letting your phone ring for an hour without you answering it?

An hour-long ringtone is likely to be very much Dante’s seventh circle of hell…

Of course, Dwango are no strangers to this, since it would seem that, in the world of people who provide content for mobile phones, they’re among the most mental…

Let us not forget they made a ringtone that was only audible to dogs, who traditionally don’t use mobile phones. Still, could be a giggle setting your mobile off at Crufts with that, and seeing angry, yapping, inbred (sorry, pedigree) dogs violently turning on their tweed-wearing owners.

It should be noted that I have no idea what this hour-long ringtone sounds like, since I don’t live in Japan, but if any Japanese users out there are actually reading this, please do leave us a comment, and let us know if you’ve heard it.

I long to know the full horror of what rubbish they’ve made last for an hour.

And then, when the Nokia 5800 is released, we so need to get one and play this masterpiece through its stereo speakers. Although, I fear the others in my team may beat me to death if I play a ringtone for an hour…

And if you REALLY want a mobile phone that’ll give you super-stereo-sound on your ringtones, then yes, you need the Nokia 5800!

Back when the Apple iPhone 3G was announced, a multitude of Apple fans went ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ and promptly fell into a blissful coma. But not everyone who watched it being unveiled was sitting there, wishing how much they had one.

Samsung, for example, were putting together something to kill it with.

And so, not long after the iPhone 3G was announced, the big Korean manufacturer announced their own touchscreen, media-friendly wonder-phone: the Samsung Omnia (oh ok, if you want to be strictly accurate, the Samsung i900 Omnia). Not only did it share a name with a fictional country in a Terry Pratchett novel (Small Gods, to be precise), it’s also packing some serious firepower.

And so, it’s only inevitable that these two mobile phones are going to be scrapping it out for the title of best touchscreen handset in the world ever. Which can mean only one thing, as brother faces off against brother (we-e-e-ell, kind of): it’s war. It’s Samsung Omnia vs iPhone in a battle for supremacy!

Cue the voice of the commentator from Gladiators:

The iPhone scores the first hit, thanks to its exquisite looks and massive screen. Oh, but it’s only a flesh wound, because the Samsung Omnia is nearly as pretty, and it’s a bit smaller. So the iPhone unleashes its interface, unique amongst mobile phones… and the Samsung Omnia takes another blow, but yet again, it doesn’t get knocked down, because it too has a unique interface. It’s obvious this battle won’t be decided by mastery of software, but by skills with a lightsab-

Sorry, wrong script.

It’s time for the battle of the hardware now, and the iPhone is looking smug, thanks to its new 3G antenna and GPS receiver. “Not many mobile phones have got them,” it thinks. Erm, except they have, and so has the Samsung Omnia! In the Samsung Omnia vs iPhone hardware battle, there’s only going to be one winner. The iPhone’s multi-touch withers in the face of the Samsung Omnia’s 5 megapixel camera. With flash.

Oh, here it is, the Samsung Omnia’s finishing move! A bucket of water over the iPhone. And since the iPhone can’t get its battery out it fizzles out and drops to the floor.

And then, with the battle of Samsung Omnia vs iPhone firmly decided, the victor takes its place as the greatest touchscreen phone money can buy.

Well, until the Sony Ericsson X1 Xperia and LG KC910 Renoir come out, anyway…

Grab yourself the exquisite Samsung Omnia, today!

Well, there’s a new and improved version of the same old rubbish this week, as four videos have popped up supposedly showing popcorn being cooked by mobile phones.

Having watched the videos (and you can see one for yourself, at the end of this post), even I have to concede that as hoaxes go, it’s a convincingly done one, which is probably why so many people are jumping round, going, “Oh noes! The mobile phones will fry my brains!”

There’s one tiny complication to that, though.

Those videos aren’t physically possible.

Just the same as the egg story, where the mobile phones couldn’t produce enough energy to cook (or even warm) the egg, the phones could not, I repeat, NOT generate enough heat to make popcorn go, erm, pop. I did some checking as to what temperature popcorn actually does go pop at, and… well, it’s quite high. 180ºC, in fact, whereas water boils at 100ºC, as you know.

That’s really quite hot.

Put it another way, you mobile phone would have to be set to gas mark 4, to cook popcorn. Now, I know people will say about it being microwaves, but once again, your phone simply CAN’T generate that much power. A microwave running at 800W will take a few minutes to make the popcorn pop, but 4 mobile phones, running at a combined power of about 8W (a hundredth the output of the microwave) will make ‘em pop in about the same length of time?

Erm, no, I don’t think so, do you? Besides, if they did generate that much power, that much heat, they would LITERALLY fry your brains. And your hand, and all your skin on your face and arm. Never mind long term health risks (which I’m not convinced exist at all), a phone that could cook popcorn like these purport to would actually melt your arm and your face right off!

So, if it’s not real (and The Guardian tried to replicate and couldn’t, which is pretty damning), what is it? What’s it for? Could it be viral marketing? And if so, who by? Surely not a mobile phone maker (”I’ve got a great idea, lads, let’s make an advert that tells people our phones will kill them!”)? Maybe a popcorn maker?

I say, let’s not forget the stupid lengths people will go to for a laugh. Who’s to say there’s not someone sitting there, sniggering now, because more than three people believed it. And remember, never underestimate the power of human nature to do something utterly stupid and pointless!

And for everyone who’s been waiting here’s one of the videos in action:

Do you agree with Technical Markus that there’s no way this is physically possible? Or do you think mobile phones really are dangerous enough to do that? Either way, leave us a comment and have your say!